Many have asked, “Why all the donkeys?” in my first book, Good Talk…Good Talk. What it really boils down to is—I feel like a jackass in many situations in my life, and it happens daily. Here is the latest...
I was attending the Bush Sisters Luncheon, “Loves Comes First,” and I’m a huge fan of both ladies, particularly Jenna. I get her sense of humor, and I love how down to earth and real she is. I’m a new, unknown author so I could use all the help I can get. My plan was to somehow get her a copy of my book. Problem was, I’m not VIP by any means, so I didn’t have access to get close enough to her. In fact, it was a miracle that I was allowed to attend the event.
Thanks to my rockstar cousin, I was able to get a seat at her company’s table, and I told my cousin I would be on my best behavior. This means no burping, farting, adjusting my bra, talking with my mouth full, or saying inappropriate things. Basically, I had to act like a fully functioning, grown adult woman. THIS IS HARD FOR ME! I was doing so well, and then it happened.
I noticed Jenna was sitting at a table in front of the stage, and I knew this was my chance. She was sitting with people who were far more important than I am, and they had on their fanciest Saks Fifth Avenue dresses and Louis V purses. Meanwhile, I looked like 1990s leftovers with my sweater-skirt combo, scratched up heels from Payless (yes, I still have a pair from this amazing store), jewelry I’ve had since high school, and my hair basically pulled back in a banana clip.
To say I need a fashion overhaul or at the least to join the current decade and century is an understatement; however, I pulled up my big girl panties, adjusted my push up sports bra, and headed for her table with the lyrics to Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” in my head. “Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment….” Suddenly I had a confidence about me that I had never known and a little bit of a gansta limp.
I was ten feet from Jenna when the MC decided to approach the stage and start the event. Shit! I turned around as fast as one does when they run into their ex while wearing homeless clothes and no make-up! I did the walk of shame back to my table with more of Eminem’s lyrics in my head, “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.” Well, I blew it all right, blew the whole thing!
As the event was wrapping up, I told myself, you make your own way in this life, and I decided to approach her on the way out. I noticed the sisters were going out the main doors, and I got up and causally acted like I was leaving too. As Jenna cleared the door, I was two steps in front of her, and I turned around almost bumping into her, like I sorta bum-rushed her. I said awkwardly, “I know I can get kicked out for this, but this is for you,” and I basically threw my book into her hands.
She was very sweet and said thank you, but due to my awkward, aggressive approach, she had a look of shock and awe on her face, and so did I! There were so many things I wanted to say to her, but I froze and acted like a jackass. I bolted back through the doors to return to the event and hide out in the crowd. She and Barbara headed out to the lobby. I have no idea if she kept my book or read the note I wrote to her on the inside cover. She was probably thinking, “That lady was nuts!” I’m sure I creeped her out.
In a dream world, she will read my book, like it, and put it on her book club list! However, in the reality in which I live, I'm sure it ended up left in the limo on the way to the airport. Hell, I would be honored if it made it to the limo!
Jenna, I think you’re awesome, and I’m so sorry that I almost chop blocked you, not my intention at all!
My table number for the event was 22, but according to the movie The Wedding Singer, I should’ve been placed with the outcasts at table 9! 😊